By: Lynne Harpst Koen

Welcome to “New Hamptons”.  My name is Godzilla.  I’ll be your cosmic guide in how “The Green Meanies” completely wiped clean the carbon footprint of what used to be called “Coronado Island”.

But I digress…  

Once upon a time, there was an “Enchanted Isle”.  Some used to call it “The Crown City”.  Now me being Godzilla and all, I love stomping out entire cities as much as the next guy, but I always keep it to the East, the Far East.  What happened to Coronado was such a travesty not even my arch enemy, Mothra, would pull a stunt like that!  It even bummed ME out, not to mention, the little woman was inconsolable.

 Some old timers can still recall the “Camelot Days” in Coronado.  The Green Meanies have since banished these people – also known as “locals” to a ramshackle home in the hills of yesteryear.  The locals huddle together for warmth and tell tales of the good times when New Hamptons was simply Coronado.  They talk of a time when magical ferries transported them to their jobs in the big city of San Diego as it was hard for the locals to leave their Emerald Isle.  There were only so many jobs to be had.

The lucky ones got to stay on the Island!  They worked at now mythical places like The Department Store, Perkins Bookworm, Bayberry Tree, Marco’s, Free Brothers Market, La Avenida, and of course, the old glory of Crown Town – the Hotel Del Coronado.  This place used to be quite popular I’m told, but the Green Meanies needed the beachfront property  to build a new jail. 

Crime rates soared during the destruction years.  The Green Meanies call them construction years.  Tomato, tomato – back to our story!

The destruction process actually began around 1969.  Back then there were few Green Meanies.  They infiltrated slowly with the building of a massive eyesore of a bridge.  The magical ferries were soon a thing of the past and “The Bridge” opened the floodgates for Green Meanies.  The change had come.  The Green Meanies came from far away – places with odd names of Eastern U.S. origin.  

The Green Meanies were so excited to destruct Coronado, they barely ate or slept.  They only saw green – their favorite color – the color of big money.  Why should they care about the actual town or its people?

At first, the Green Meanies attempted to blend in with the locals.  They quietly started buying up the Island.  They joined groups and clubs and organizations making it seem like they really cared about Coronado.  They saw GREEN!  On the other hand, the locals saw RED!

Coronado was such a small, family-oriented town that everybody knew each other.  The Green Meanies’ attempts to “blend” was a huge red flag to the locals.  But the locals were a peace-loving bunch.  They didn’t turn the Green Meanies away.  The destruction had begun.

The Mom and Pop stores and restaurants were replaced with horrid chains.  Sweet little Spanish casitas and charming beach homes were destroyed without a wink.  The Green Meanies had no history here.  What did they care?  Stomp.  Stomp.

The Crown City underwent a change so drastic that some of the locals had to be sedated.  What happened to Coronado?  How was the mass destruction even allowed?  Some say the Green Meanies put chemicals in the town’s water supply in order to lobotomize the locals into submission.

As old Coronado went out, New Hamptoms came in as the Green Meanies grew in power and money.  They also became much more public no longer trying to blend in.  The once sleepy little town became what can only be compared to a battlefield of torn-down homes and empty lots.

Then came “The Men” — the men with large diesel machines spewing poison throughout the town.  The men began to build a horrific array of Hampton-esque monstrosities where proud old Coronado homes once stood.  The residents were warned not to stand in the way.  Everyone had to wear gas masks and earplugs lest they got sick or went mad.  Only the Green Meanies were immune to the pollution and piercing noise.  Stomp.  Stomp.

They gained momentum and could not be stopped or even slowed down for that matter.  It was too late.  The Green Meanies had come in and completely erased the entire history of a once-magical town.

But, the locals had their memories.  So they secretly wrote books about Coronado as it was meant to be – how Coronado was a friendly, family-oriented town, proud of her military history and home-town values, a lovely place with mature landscaping and even an annual Flower Show!  Kids used to actually ride bikes around the Island stopping to visit friends, playing in the parks, and swimming in the Ocean!  Of course, none of this would ever be allowed now as the Green Meanies have banned all manners of fun and healthy recreational activities.  Gone are the gathering places where the locals would sing and play.  The Green Meanies have covered every inch of the Island with high rises that block out the sun.  The once happy and healthy residents are now pale and frail except the Green Meanies, of course, who are greener than ever!

Odd thing though, even though the Green Meanies have completely destroyed an entire city, they’re still not satisfied.  They thought that changing the name of the town might cheer them up, but they are meaner and greener than ever before.  Some say they won’t be satisfied until they flip everywhere between the West Coast and the Evil East to their specifications.

The old locals say there’s still time for some places to save themselves.  Their advice?  Do not become brainwashed by the promises of the Green Meanies and their “Eastern Nouveau Riche Ways”.  Stand up for your town!  Implement a ban on construction/destruction!  Encourage people to remodel!  Make it worth their while.  Give them tax breaks.  Use Coronado as an example of what can happen when you’re not looking.  If you all band together, you can at least keep the Green Meanies at bay.

Last and most importantly, when it comes time to vote, make sure it’s for powers that be who really care about your town!   Make sure these people are properly backgrounded and given tests to rule out any green blood.

Go now!  It’s not too late.

RIP Coronado.

“Money – So they say, is the root of all evil today.”  (Pink Floyd) 

This entry was posted in Clarion Causes, Winter Edition 2013. Bookmark the permalink.

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